who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Rumble strips road head = magical
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
