omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
