I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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