Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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