Pants 0. Shit 1.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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