The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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