Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Watching her eat just hurts me
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
