I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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