Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
