my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
