and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
She told me I should be a condom model.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
