I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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