Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
