Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
