I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
