tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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