I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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