whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
