He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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