You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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