he puts the penis in happiness.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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