I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Randomize
