She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
