spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
