So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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