Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize