It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
