Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
