as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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