I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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