So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
