6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize