why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
