he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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