I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
