hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
then he tried to convert me to islam
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
