My hair reeks of homosexuality.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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