Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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