just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
