I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
