All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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