Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
