When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
