he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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