Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
