When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
