no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize