Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Randomize