i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
