I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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