OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
