I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
