i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
