pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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