I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
either way he was missing a nipple.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
