Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
