So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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