I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Randomize
